If Only

嬉しさは
予期せぬとこから湧いてくる
"If only" is but a while
"Thank you" is but goodbye

なぜ人同種なのに
まるで謎のように
私は最近むかついた
偉そうな心理学者に
人はみんな違うんだから
私だってあなたと違う

昨日見慣れた景色が
懐かしく感じる
いつかこの場所に戻れなくなる
いつなのそのいつか
時間操ろうと人間は
時間にだまされる
でもそれでいいんだから
人間は人間なりに笑おう
人は人なりに悲しもう

悲しみは
人が人だから辛くなる
"I love you" is not a lie
"Goodbye" is but a while

いつなら楽になれる
誰に聞けばいい
私は最近叱られた
昨日の私今日の私も
全て同じ私だから
受け入れて責めないで

認められたくて人は
人とぶつかり合う
やがてそれが思い出になる
明日ならわかるよ
でも私が求めるのは
認めでも愛でもない
幸せって小さくても
自分の中にあるよ
あなたでも本当は笑ってるでしょ

終わらないのね
文句ってずっと続いてる
いつまで誤解されんだろう
でもそれでいいんだから
それだからこそ人生が人生らしく

Broken Shards

Don't be sad stars in the sky
I didn't forget you
I didn't mean to hurt you
Smile at me emotions of somebody
Tell me it's alright

The same repetition
Going back and forth
I wonder if it's still the same path
The same circle of foundations
Lost something
Just to find something
In this world where anxiety resides
I carve a hope in the skies

If I go back to where I didn't belong
Would things turn out worse?
How worse could they be
If I was never able to go there
Would things not be this way?
I was told to love
I wasn't taught to be anxious
But fleeting time
Left me no one to blame

Why is it hard to understand each other
Why do we repeat ourselves
When we already know how we feel
Why are we afraid to lose what we have
When it's going nowhere

Why is there no escape...
Why is the only exit is you?
I wish I'd understand better
But you taught me
Why tears are salty and bitter

Stars in the sky
What am I worrying about?
What is it that I fear losing so much
If I just step further forward
I could stop looking back
I have to say goodbye
To the past
There is future awaiting
Still far
But looking brighter every second

Smile with me
My precious green gem
One of the things I'm thankful is
That you never had to know melancholy
You entered my circle of life
This rotten but brilliant world
Is my world

Piano Keys

Maybe someone's waiting
Just for hours out there standing
Should I stretch out an umbrella?
But se looked so sad
I let hem in

Drenched and soaked
Could be rain, could be tears
There's an intruder in my house
With eyes red from isolation
Se stared at the piano
Just stared, ignoring where se was
Somehow I found my fingers drumming on the keys

It kept raining outside
Cold air blew through the chimney
Taking the fire with it
The stranger drew a soft smile
And we fell into a slumber

I heard pitter patters on the window
Someone must be lonely outside
Someone must be waiting for somebody to open that door

***

A random memory

たぶん淋しいかも

Have you ever woken up reborn?
With someone you don't recognize suddenly telling you what to do
And introduced to someone who shall be your partner
To both be on the stage
Into the world of performers

Somehow I didn't hate that life
Just staring at the crowd
Somehow I thought as long as I'm not stolen of my pride
I could make it fine
Eyeing my partner, I felt angry
Why is se the only one who knew
Hes past, hes everything
While I'm just someone found lying on the riverbanks
Why wasn't anyone trying to find me...

I woke up to a blue sky that didn't feel familiar
And lived with people I never knew
I didn't understand who or what they were
Though they treated me like family
I knew I was a merchandise
I've got to break away
But that partner was always looking through me
As if knowing I'll be gone anytime

You don't understand
You're not the one without memories
I said that without a bit of sympathy for hem who was just trying to help
You don't understand
You're not the one who has to crossdress and no one knows nor cares
I'm the one who's standing as an inexisting idol
You'd never understand
Then I saw that helplessness in those eyes
Perhaps I was wrong?
But I didn't care

Days to weeks finally turned to years
Really I was abandoned
Amnesiac as I am, no one was even searching
Who was I? Some kind of introvert?
Somehow I wasn't sick of that life
But I needed something to hold on to
There was nothing to justify
Whether what I was facing is reality or not
They just know how to get what they want
They never cared
To them I was just another emotionless doll
Somehow I didn't hate it
Somehow I managed to hide unreasonable tears
Till the day se grabbed me by the shirt and yelled
That the future is in my own hands
Still I just glared back

One day I went by the river I was found
Calculating the way I came years ago
Perhaps an accident? I tried searching
But there was no one on the missing list
Then what was I
A gift from heaven like they said?
Rubbish

Years being together, yet I never knew
When we were there in one room
And some things went clear
That I wasn't the only one enduring this fake performance
But I still felt bitter
Because se still had hes share of memories
While I still ponder and wonder
Once I get mine back, I'll definitely leave
And will never return
Not ever
Even if se made that happy pretense

Somehow I knew our meeting was fated
When se led us astray into a far away city
And I see things that were familiar
Forgetting time I ran
Towards places I used to know, reconstructing every piece of memory
To the place I used to live
Seeing faces I used to call by names
It was so near
But it wasn't there
Why?
Why are things so cruel?
Why wasn't there anything to tell my memory was real

As expected
Nothing came out of the net
Straining my eyes onto the monitor, I sighed
Maybe it was time to give up
If things weren't here
Then there was no use to chase
Everything was so pathetic
Please give me something sure to hold on to, I prayed
To whom, I didn't know
But someone must know
Someone must understand
There must be someone who's able to heal
And that's not my partner, standing outside the door

I decided to mess things up
In front of live cameras, to let everyone know
So that someone could response and tell me
Tell me that they were looking for me
But I ended up with fakers
I knew that was gonna happen
But I had to try
Just wanted to give it a shot
Then se whispered to me
"Don't give up"
Somehow it gave me strength

Those nights I dreamt of my previous years
The ones before I drifted into this world of entertainment
And the ones with my partner by my side
It wasn't bad to be involved in this business
But to know hem was a big mistake
I should've refused it the first time
I knew I could
Things are miraculous
When I realized, we spent 10 years together
As the forever young teens
But this world will come to an end
Our fans might stay loyal
But the time will come for us to step down
And then we will be apart for real
For the first time
I thought that sounded sad

The place I used to live stood before me
It wasn't the same, but it was here, I knew
I snuggled beneath the roof waiting
For a familiar face to suddenly pop out of nowhere
So that I could be rid of this new world
So that I know I wasn't alone
But no one came
Even as snow keeps falling
No one I knew went by
Except for my partner who came looking for me
Se didn't tell me to go home
Se sat beside me and waited with me
"I don't understand" se said
"Of course you don't" I snapped
And I ignored the rest of hes words

Have you ever found yourself reborn?
Found somewhere and taught to be something
Then you discover that you lost something
A lot of things
But you'll never find them back
Have you ever known what it's like to be lonely?

I wished I could just disappear
There was nothing more that I wanted
Except for this small hope in my heart
It said that things will be alright
Things aren't alright!
The next second I found myself on an unknown road
With hem walking close behind
As if looking over me
Waiting for me to decide to stop these useless acts
Knowing fully well I won't
We just kept on walking
Then I was running away from hem
I wanted to be alone
Se knew that, yet se chased after me
Just go away already! I wanted to scream
But I said
"Take me home"

I never checked our homepage
There wouldn't be any more than fans' loves and kisses
And fake confessions of knowing my past

One day my partner was torn away to be with someone else
For some reason I was able to laugh
"Now forget everything" I said
It was cruel
But I didn't want anymore
Even with my new partner
I never told my story
Enough, I thought
Just enough with this insanity

What a long time wasted

On a sunny photography session
Se came and showed me a VCD
"Come to my place and we'll watch together" said se
"Why would I?" I got angry again
I thought this could be my last kindness
When I stepped into the room
But the video was already running
And I saw what I wanted to see for so long
Faces and voices that were familiar
And the me I used to know
So it was real after all

Have you ever had someone who'd arrange a concert
Just so you could connect to people you lost
My ex-partner did it without asking
And I was able to take off that mask
But I didn't go back to where I used to be
Glad and enough to just know they were real
And more than that
I finally realized
That someone was waiting
So patiently always standing near by
Somehow
I couldn't hate hem

***

A random dream

The Color Of This Ink

I read an invisible letter
Wrote not with lemon but with love and longings
Felt by none but me
Signed with kisses every here and there
A letter from my lover
It came a long way through various means
Sometimes it arrives like telepathy
The loneliness and the happiness se endured everyday
Though I'm here the feelings are clear
We're not one soul in two bodies
Somehow things are just meant to be

I took up a pen an wrote an unseen reply
To be sent across distances
To be heard by only the receiver
I am sorry I'm not romantic and always can't be there
By your side to support you
When you're down or when you need someone to share your glee
But you know
Just feeling your presence out there
Knowing you are facing life with what you are
It makes me long for you more and more
As beautiful as you are when you smile
Every moment of you I treasure
Every single gesture
I love everything about you and that is why
This small me can keep on travelling
Till the end comes for another beginning

Faster than light se smiled
That reassuring understanding smile
Se had always understood, I had always known
But se's always holding out a hand
For me to catch
Se's waiting
So am I
We are all waiting
Patiently, so gently

I will go home my dear
And bring you lots of stuff that you like
But not just because to make you happy
Because I know
Even if I send you flowers and jewelries from heaven
You will choose me over everything
I will shower you with gifts
Because I know that I always win
In your heart
In my heart
You are the winner

I will keep this letter
Along with the rest
In a place nearest to heaven
Far from depleting memories
Where we would surely dwell with God's will
The coming days when we won't have to be lonely ever again

***

この文字の色



見えない手紙が届いた
愛と孤独で書かれた文字は
僕にしか感じれない
愛情で溢れたこのラブレターは
大事な愛する人がくれた
遥かな届かぬところから来た
以心伝心みたいに
あの人が迎える毎日の寂しさとうれしさ
ここにいる僕には感じれる
二つになった魂なんかじゃない
ただの愛し合う二人なんだ

ペンを持ち上げて返事を書いた
あの届かぬ場所に
あの人にしか見えない返事を
いつも優しくなくてゴメンな
一緒にいてあげられなくて悪かった
あんなにだけ自分の悲しみと笑いを話せる相手が欲しいってわかってるのに
でもさ
君がそこにいると知っているだけで
君が君らしく生きているだけで
会いたくて会いたくて苦しいほどに会いたくなる
笑ってる君もいい
君がするすべての表情が愛おしい
君の身振りの全ても
あんな君が好きだから
いつまでも旅を続けられる僕は
旅の終わりで約束された始まりを待つ

そしてあの人は笑った
あの懐かしい暖かな笑顔
わかってるって僕もわかってる
だけどなぜか一度も手を引くことがない
ずっと僕がそれを握るのを待っている
あの人は待っている
僕とともに
僕らは皆待っている
静かに、かすかに

必ず帰るよ、愛する人よ
君の好きなものをたくさん持って帰る
でもそれは君を喜ばせるためだけじゃない
知ってるからさ
いくら豪華なものを君に差し上げても
それらよりも僕がほしいと
いつになっても君にプレゼントをあげる
僕が必ず選ばれると知ってるから
君が選ぶとしたら
僕が選ぶとしたら
必ず君が選ばれる

この手紙も他と一緒に
大事にしとこう
天国に一番近いところで
崩れてゆく記憶の遠くから
神の意志で僕たちは必ずそこで暮らす
ああ、その日々、二度と孤独を知らないだろう

Different

Why me
That you have to choose
Even though they call me different
That they look at me from far
None cared to ask me
Could it be that I managed to smile all these years
Is it because you were there?
It still bothers me
These days, these times when I sit alone
They chose to shade their eyes from me
Since I met you I vowed
If I'm to be reborn
I want to be reborn different again
Then find where you are
No matter how many times
With these eyes that they call witch's pair
Why did you choose me?
My nights became lonely since I met you
You taught me what it means to despair
I didn't know what love was
My pains were temporary
I never cried at night for what they said
But I knew
I was and always will be different
One of them yet not
Trapped on this small planet
Ironic
How my difference took me across universe
To venture outside
I saw people more unique than me
It wasn't me who found you
God sent you in a surprise package
To this boring place which you say is better than yours
But life is always like that, isn't it?
Grass is always greener on the other side
You are on the far side
Shining in a way so gently
You are also different, but they love you
I can't understand why
Why is it I crossed that border of difference
We are too far away
Still I couldn't help taking you away from them
Your response
It made things worse
Perhaps if you didn't say you love me
Perhaps life would've been different from now
And I won't have to sleep alone
Or cry alone
If you didn't catch my extended hand
Would I be happier than now?
Aren't you regretting
Taking me in?
I won't regret what I did
When I chose to make you mine regardless of your feelings
But if you're not happy with me
I'm ready to let you go
Your happiness is what I wish
But with all my heart, I don't want to let you go
If you are gone
If someone else comes to take your place
I want to be reborn
This time into the person you'd really be happy with
Forgive me for being different
I'm sorry I'm not as nice as they are
Hikaru
Hotaru
Keikoku
Whichever you are
Life is full of wonder
Like when the traveler settled down with the healer
I've never doubted your love
Nor do I doubt your heart
I just wanted to hear your voice more often
Even at those times when I get persistent
What I really wanted was to listen to you
To have you nearby a little bit longer
To prolong your stay some more
I wanted to listen to those assuring words over and over
And smile at you when you're not looking
To understand what your life is like
I'll always believe in you
You showed me who God is
You told me that God loves me
What more could you do for me than that?
They still stare at us
Wherever I go
Is it okay for you to walk with the so-called silvered curse?
It would've been better if you just let go of my hand
Nah, it's better this way
They don't understand
I don't need them to understand
I didn't ask to be born different
But next time, if there is
I will

Invisible Writer

You're always knocking at my heart

Then draw tears when my eyes are still wide

You turn things upside down as you like

And you're still my one love

You tell me my dad loves me

About his inability to show it

You show me my mom needs me

All the way behind that curtain of temper

I ask myself why I should be kind to people

Yet I worry if you'd ever stop being kind to me

I think I have a heart of stone

But you keep it throbbing

Over?

Has my time come?

But I open my eyes

As another morning greets me

This journey is still far

There are still puzzles to unscramble

Whenever I stumble and fall

I get back up

Knowing it was you who supported

I hate it when I doubt myself

But then you will sing me a story

And tell me to believe

I do not know who I am

Because everything about me belongs to you

You, my God