Piano Keys

Maybe someone's waiting
Just for hours out there standing
Should I stretch out an umbrella?
But se looked so sad
I let hem in

Drenched and soaked
Could be rain, could be tears
There's an intruder in my house
With eyes red from isolation
Se stared at the piano
Just stared, ignoring where se was
Somehow I found my fingers drumming on the keys

It kept raining outside
Cold air blew through the chimney
Taking the fire with it
The stranger drew a soft smile
And we fell into a slumber

I heard pitter patters on the window
Someone must be lonely outside
Someone must be waiting for somebody to open that door

***

A random memory

たぶん淋しいかも

Have you ever woken up reborn?
With someone you don't recognize suddenly telling you what to do
And introduced to someone who shall be your partner
To both be on the stage
Into the world of performers

Somehow I didn't hate that life
Just staring at the crowd
Somehow I thought as long as I'm not stolen of my pride
I could make it fine
Eyeing my partner, I felt angry
Why is se the only one who knew
Hes past, hes everything
While I'm just someone found lying on the riverbanks
Why wasn't anyone trying to find me...

I woke up to a blue sky that didn't feel familiar
And lived with people I never knew
I didn't understand who or what they were
Though they treated me like family
I knew I was a merchandise
I've got to break away
But that partner was always looking through me
As if knowing I'll be gone anytime

You don't understand
You're not the one without memories
I said that without a bit of sympathy for hem who was just trying to help
You don't understand
You're not the one who has to crossdress and no one knows nor cares
I'm the one who's standing as an inexisting idol
You'd never understand
Then I saw that helplessness in those eyes
Perhaps I was wrong?
But I didn't care

Days to weeks finally turned to years
Really I was abandoned
Amnesiac as I am, no one was even searching
Who was I? Some kind of introvert?
Somehow I wasn't sick of that life
But I needed something to hold on to
There was nothing to justify
Whether what I was facing is reality or not
They just know how to get what they want
They never cared
To them I was just another emotionless doll
Somehow I didn't hate it
Somehow I managed to hide unreasonable tears
Till the day se grabbed me by the shirt and yelled
That the future is in my own hands
Still I just glared back

One day I went by the river I was found
Calculating the way I came years ago
Perhaps an accident? I tried searching
But there was no one on the missing list
Then what was I
A gift from heaven like they said?
Rubbish

Years being together, yet I never knew
When we were there in one room
And some things went clear
That I wasn't the only one enduring this fake performance
But I still felt bitter
Because se still had hes share of memories
While I still ponder and wonder
Once I get mine back, I'll definitely leave
And will never return
Not ever
Even if se made that happy pretense

Somehow I knew our meeting was fated
When se led us astray into a far away city
And I see things that were familiar
Forgetting time I ran
Towards places I used to know, reconstructing every piece of memory
To the place I used to live
Seeing faces I used to call by names
It was so near
But it wasn't there
Why?
Why are things so cruel?
Why wasn't there anything to tell my memory was real

As expected
Nothing came out of the net
Straining my eyes onto the monitor, I sighed
Maybe it was time to give up
If things weren't here
Then there was no use to chase
Everything was so pathetic
Please give me something sure to hold on to, I prayed
To whom, I didn't know
But someone must know
Someone must understand
There must be someone who's able to heal
And that's not my partner, standing outside the door

I decided to mess things up
In front of live cameras, to let everyone know
So that someone could response and tell me
Tell me that they were looking for me
But I ended up with fakers
I knew that was gonna happen
But I had to try
Just wanted to give it a shot
Then se whispered to me
"Don't give up"
Somehow it gave me strength

Those nights I dreamt of my previous years
The ones before I drifted into this world of entertainment
And the ones with my partner by my side
It wasn't bad to be involved in this business
But to know hem was a big mistake
I should've refused it the first time
I knew I could
Things are miraculous
When I realized, we spent 10 years together
As the forever young teens
But this world will come to an end
Our fans might stay loyal
But the time will come for us to step down
And then we will be apart for real
For the first time
I thought that sounded sad

The place I used to live stood before me
It wasn't the same, but it was here, I knew
I snuggled beneath the roof waiting
For a familiar face to suddenly pop out of nowhere
So that I could be rid of this new world
So that I know I wasn't alone
But no one came
Even as snow keeps falling
No one I knew went by
Except for my partner who came looking for me
Se didn't tell me to go home
Se sat beside me and waited with me
"I don't understand" se said
"Of course you don't" I snapped
And I ignored the rest of hes words

Have you ever found yourself reborn?
Found somewhere and taught to be something
Then you discover that you lost something
A lot of things
But you'll never find them back
Have you ever known what it's like to be lonely?

I wished I could just disappear
There was nothing more that I wanted
Except for this small hope in my heart
It said that things will be alright
Things aren't alright!
The next second I found myself on an unknown road
With hem walking close behind
As if looking over me
Waiting for me to decide to stop these useless acts
Knowing fully well I won't
We just kept on walking
Then I was running away from hem
I wanted to be alone
Se knew that, yet se chased after me
Just go away already! I wanted to scream
But I said
"Take me home"

I never checked our homepage
There wouldn't be any more than fans' loves and kisses
And fake confessions of knowing my past

One day my partner was torn away to be with someone else
For some reason I was able to laugh
"Now forget everything" I said
It was cruel
But I didn't want anymore
Even with my new partner
I never told my story
Enough, I thought
Just enough with this insanity

What a long time wasted

On a sunny photography session
Se came and showed me a VCD
"Come to my place and we'll watch together" said se
"Why would I?" I got angry again
I thought this could be my last kindness
When I stepped into the room
But the video was already running
And I saw what I wanted to see for so long
Faces and voices that were familiar
And the me I used to know
So it was real after all

Have you ever had someone who'd arrange a concert
Just so you could connect to people you lost
My ex-partner did it without asking
And I was able to take off that mask
But I didn't go back to where I used to be
Glad and enough to just know they were real
And more than that
I finally realized
That someone was waiting
So patiently always standing near by
Somehow
I couldn't hate hem

***

A random dream

The Color Of This Ink

I read an invisible letter
Wrote not with lemon but with love and longings
Felt by none but me
Signed with kisses every here and there
A letter from my lover
It came a long way through various means
Sometimes it arrives like telepathy
The loneliness and the happiness se endured everyday
Though I'm here the feelings are clear
We're not one soul in two bodies
Somehow things are just meant to be

I took up a pen an wrote an unseen reply
To be sent across distances
To be heard by only the receiver
I am sorry I'm not romantic and always can't be there
By your side to support you
When you're down or when you need someone to share your glee
But you know
Just feeling your presence out there
Knowing you are facing life with what you are
It makes me long for you more and more
As beautiful as you are when you smile
Every moment of you I treasure
Every single gesture
I love everything about you and that is why
This small me can keep on travelling
Till the end comes for another beginning

Faster than light se smiled
That reassuring understanding smile
Se had always understood, I had always known
But se's always holding out a hand
For me to catch
Se's waiting
So am I
We are all waiting
Patiently, so gently

I will go home my dear
And bring you lots of stuff that you like
But not just because to make you happy
Because I know
Even if I send you flowers and jewelries from heaven
You will choose me over everything
I will shower you with gifts
Because I know that I always win
In your heart
In my heart
You are the winner

I will keep this letter
Along with the rest
In a place nearest to heaven
Far from depleting memories
Where we would surely dwell with God's will
The coming days when we won't have to be lonely ever again

***

この文字の色



見えない手紙が届いた
愛と孤独で書かれた文字は
僕にしか感じれない
愛情で溢れたこのラブレターは
大事な愛する人がくれた
遥かな届かぬところから来た
以心伝心みたいに
あの人が迎える毎日の寂しさとうれしさ
ここにいる僕には感じれる
二つになった魂なんかじゃない
ただの愛し合う二人なんだ

ペンを持ち上げて返事を書いた
あの届かぬ場所に
あの人にしか見えない返事を
いつも優しくなくてゴメンな
一緒にいてあげられなくて悪かった
あんなにだけ自分の悲しみと笑いを話せる相手が欲しいってわかってるのに
でもさ
君がそこにいると知っているだけで
君が君らしく生きているだけで
会いたくて会いたくて苦しいほどに会いたくなる
笑ってる君もいい
君がするすべての表情が愛おしい
君の身振りの全ても
あんな君が好きだから
いつまでも旅を続けられる僕は
旅の終わりで約束された始まりを待つ

そしてあの人は笑った
あの懐かしい暖かな笑顔
わかってるって僕もわかってる
だけどなぜか一度も手を引くことがない
ずっと僕がそれを握るのを待っている
あの人は待っている
僕とともに
僕らは皆待っている
静かに、かすかに

必ず帰るよ、愛する人よ
君の好きなものをたくさん持って帰る
でもそれは君を喜ばせるためだけじゃない
知ってるからさ
いくら豪華なものを君に差し上げても
それらよりも僕がほしいと
いつになっても君にプレゼントをあげる
僕が必ず選ばれると知ってるから
君が選ぶとしたら
僕が選ぶとしたら
必ず君が選ばれる

この手紙も他と一緒に
大事にしとこう
天国に一番近いところで
崩れてゆく記憶の遠くから
神の意志で僕たちは必ずそこで暮らす
ああ、その日々、二度と孤独を知らないだろう

Different

Why me
That you have to choose
Even though they call me different
That they look at me from far
None cared to ask me
Could it be that I managed to smile all these years
Is it because you were there?
It still bothers me
These days, these times when I sit alone
They chose to shade their eyes from me
Since I met you I vowed
If I'm to be reborn
I want to be reborn different again
Then find where you are
No matter how many times
With these eyes that they call witch's pair
Why did you choose me?
My nights became lonely since I met you
You taught me what it means to despair
I didn't know what love was
My pains were temporary
I never cried at night for what they said
But I knew
I was and always will be different
One of them yet not
Trapped on this small planet
Ironic
How my difference took me across universe
To venture outside
I saw people more unique than me
It wasn't me who found you
God sent you in a surprise package
To this boring place which you say is better than yours
But life is always like that, isn't it?
Grass is always greener on the other side
You are on the far side
Shining in a way so gently
You are also different, but they love you
I can't understand why
Why is it I crossed that border of difference
We are too far away
Still I couldn't help taking you away from them
Your response
It made things worse
Perhaps if you didn't say you love me
Perhaps life would've been different from now
And I won't have to sleep alone
Or cry alone
If you didn't catch my extended hand
Would I be happier than now?
Aren't you regretting
Taking me in?
I won't regret what I did
When I chose to make you mine regardless of your feelings
But if you're not happy with me
I'm ready to let you go
Your happiness is what I wish
But with all my heart, I don't want to let you go
If you are gone
If someone else comes to take your place
I want to be reborn
This time into the person you'd really be happy with
Forgive me for being different
I'm sorry I'm not as nice as they are
Hikaru
Hotaru
Keikoku
Whichever you are
Life is full of wonder
Like when the traveler settled down with the healer
I've never doubted your love
Nor do I doubt your heart
I just wanted to hear your voice more often
Even at those times when I get persistent
What I really wanted was to listen to you
To have you nearby a little bit longer
To prolong your stay some more
I wanted to listen to those assuring words over and over
And smile at you when you're not looking
To understand what your life is like
I'll always believe in you
You showed me who God is
You told me that God loves me
What more could you do for me than that?
They still stare at us
Wherever I go
Is it okay for you to walk with the so-called silvered curse?
It would've been better if you just let go of my hand
Nah, it's better this way
They don't understand
I don't need them to understand
I didn't ask to be born different
But next time, if there is
I will

Invisible Writer

You're always knocking at my heart

Then draw tears when my eyes are still wide

You turn things upside down as you like

And you're still my one love

You tell me my dad loves me

About his inability to show it

You show me my mom needs me

All the way behind that curtain of temper

I ask myself why I should be kind to people

Yet I worry if you'd ever stop being kind to me

I think I have a heart of stone

But you keep it throbbing

Over?

Has my time come?

But I open my eyes

As another morning greets me

This journey is still far

There are still puzzles to unscramble

Whenever I stumble and fall

I get back up

Knowing it was you who supported

I hate it when I doubt myself

But then you will sing me a story

And tell me to believe

I do not know who I am

Because everything about me belongs to you

You, my God

星の遠くに

複雑です

心の安らぎを求めている

きっとどこかにあるのに

なぜ手に入らないの？

まるで忘れられた存在のように

淋しくて愛おしくて

いつか会えると信じ

あの人の笑顔がなんでこんなにいとおしくなったんだろう

いつも笑ってた

よく隣にいてくれた

たまにいないときは

私が不安になる

多重人格？どうでもいい

あなたはあなた、それでいい

失いたくない

抱きしめたい

帰ってよあなた

こんなに待たせないで

たったの5分でも

買い物の途中であなたが試着しに行ったとき

なんとなく5年間のように

なぜかその5分の間に

またあなたが消えてしまうような

わずかな時間

永遠のように感じる

離れたくなくてゴメン

私に愛されてること

どうか許して

***

The Healer's midnight melancholy

With love, for Palestine

一つの愛

空が赤く照らされた時

母は悲しげな顔を隠した

幼い弟を見つめながら

私たちはやむを得ず家を出た

たぶんこれは天罰だろう

果敢ない幸せを追い続けてた僕たちは

大事なことを忘れ踊っていた

昔から約束された天敵はいずれやって来て

あれから何十年も

じいさんたちが私たちに残した遺産は

むしろこの戦いしかない

友達、学校

そういうもの感じたかった

きっと楽しくて、きっと笑える

父の愛さえ分からない私は

命の意味を問うていた

世の中を問うてた

だけど母はいつも笑いながら

大丈夫だよって言ってくれた

わからないよ、あの時の私が

なんで僕たちばかりがこんな目に

なぜ父が死ななきゃいけないの？と

毎日、涙が私を寝かせていた

いま僕はわかる

やらなきゃいけないことがあること

一人ぼっちになっても

僕を見て愛してくれてる神様がいる

その神様は今

亡くなった父も、母も、弟も

どこかで見守ってくれてるだろうと

そして僕の出番がやっと来た

一つの愛を信じ

この戦場に踏み出す

***English version***

Believe In One Love

There was a time when the sky turned red

And mother hid that sad face from me

I wonder what future awaits my little brother

As we stepped out of that house

Could this be punishment from above?

When we chased after the fleeting happiness on earth

We danced only to forget the most important thing

The enemies promised in our early days finally came

And since then years passed

What our ancestors passed down to us

Is nothing more than this fight

Friends to play with, going to school

I always wanted to know what it feels like

It must be fun and full of laughter

Not even knowing what a father's love is like

I started to wonder what life is

I began to doubt everything

But then mother would always smile

And tell me it will be alright

I didn't understand, I was too young

Why are we the ones to carry this burden?

Why did father have to die?

Everyday, tears put me to sleep

Now I comprehend

That there's something I must do

Even if I'm left alone

There is God who looks at me and loves me

That very God right now

Is probably looking after them too

My father, my mother, and my brother who died

And then my turn finally came

Believing in one love

I stepped into the battlefield

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A look into a person's heart.